Please Don't Flush Me
by CheekyBeckett
Summary: "Please Don't Flush Me From The Bathroom of Your Heart " SGA/Doctor Who AU fusion in which McKay is The Doctor and Sheppard is his newest Companion. Contains snark, pouting, making up, and awkward male expressions of feelings.


The deep thrumming pulsed louder and louder as the blue police box materialiazed on solid ground as it had thousands of times before, on thousands of planets.

Inside, The Doctor made his way around the central platform, throwing knobs and switches and uttering a litany of complaints. Perched nearby was his newest Companion, watching and looking extremely amused.

"You could help you know," groused The Doctor. He flipped a few more switches and kicked the drive platform when it dared to shoot a few sparks in his face.

His companion just continued to look amused and like he was thoroughly enjoying the show. He hadn't been with The Doctor long but he knew enough when to stay out of his way and just enjoy the fireworks. Literally this time, it looked like.

A couple more sparks, a few choice words, and the show came to a close.  
The Doctor turned and put his hands on his hips.

"What's with you, John? Your hair finally become sentient and suck all your brains out? Didn't you hear me telling you to flip those levers on the other side?"

John smirked at him. "Yeah, I heard you." He shifted and stretched in his chair. "I also heard you the last time when you called me an ignoramous without the sense of a brain damaged Judoon when I tried to help you navigate."

"I was being kind, too," retorted The Doctor. "An Ood would be more useful than you. Why I ever agreed to take you with me is beyond me."

"You said arguing with me would give both of your hearts a great workout if I didn't make you stroke out first." John ran his fingers through his, as yet, still non-sentient hair. "You know, you complain far too much for a supposedly advanced species."

"It's my default setting." The Doctor pointed at him. "Get used to it."

"Yeah, yeah." John got up from his chair and went to lean against the nearest console. "I think you're still in hissy-fit mode over losing to me at chess last night. Again."

The Doctor jutted his chin out and sniffed. "I didn't lose. I let you win."

"Rodney, every game we play, you always cheat. And when you can't manage to cheat, you get pouty."

"I'm a Time Lord," The Doctor interjected. "We don't do hissy fits, we don't get pouty, and we don't cheat." He stabbed the air with a finger for every point he made. Then his icy blue eyes narrowed.

"And for the last time, stop calling me Rodney! That's not my name. Call me Doctor."

"Doctor What? We never really settled this."

"Not what. Who."

"Who's on first."

Right on cue, as John knew he would, The Doctor's face started turning an interesting shade of magenta.

"Stop bringing up that lame joke every chance you get! My name is not Rodney, or Meredith, or any of the other oh so cute names you keep coming up with."

John leaned so far back he was practically horizontal and crossed his ankles. The Doctor noticed he was still wearing those ridiculous black combat boots he always insisted on wearing only half laced. It was statistically impossible that he hadn't fallen on his face yet since he'd known him.

"Well," drawled John, "I think it's plain dumb to just call you Doctor all the time. You must have a name."

"Yours is going to be Mud if you don't lay off."

The Doctor turned his back on John and bustled around the other side of the console to fiddle with a few more levers and buttons and peer at some of the monitors. "You know what *I* think," he interposed smugly. "I think *you're* the one being pouty. You've been pouty ever since I told you that you couldn't 'fly this baby' solo."

"Hey! I'm a pilot. A damn good one. I'm sure I could do it if you'd just give me a chance and a few lessons. Instead of insulting me every five seconds, you could be teaching me properly and then I'd be able to help out more."

"Forget it. The Tardis has withstood time and space but I truly fear putting her into your tender ham handed mercies. Now hand me that wrench." He lifted his gaze and held his hand out towards John, expecting to be obeyed quickly.

John pretended not to notice and officially did pout now, muttering something that vaguely sounded like "S'not fair".

The Doctor dropped his hand and took in John's changed demeanor. "Oh don't do that. Don't you dare give me the lip and the wounded puppy eyes."

John stood up and turned his back.

"No, no, no. John? John, c'mon. Don't start."

John mumbled again. The Doctor concentrated and translated it as "You never let me do the cool stuff."

The Doctor sighed deeply. He lost more companions this way than he cared to count. Well, this and impenetrable parallel universes and irreversible amnesia among others. But still...

John was going to be difficult and make him talk about this. John was a jerk.

He walked over to his friend and turned him around so they were face to face. "Look, I'm sorry if you think I'm being a pill alot of the time but I just don't want you to get hurt, ok? I...I've lost alot of friends that were important to me over the years. Mostly doing things I taught them how to do or else trying to save them from the things I do." The Doctor stopped then and dragged a hand over his eyes, down his face, coming to rest underneath his down-turned, crooked mouth. For the first time since they'd been together John thought he actually looked a bit of the 900 plus years he claimed to be. ("Yes, John," The Doctor had replied to his query with a roll of his eyes at the time when he told John how old he was, "just like Yoda." "Cool," John had said.)

"I swore I wasn't going to take another traveling companion but then there you were with your stupid hair and leaning all over stuff and arguing with me and giving me an hour long diatribe on why Marvel comics are better than DC and I caved. I figure I'd like to keep you around for awhile and preferably intact. So, while I will completely deny this conversation ever took place if you dare to bring it up again at some future point, I don't think you're stupid, alright? You're very intelligent actually, for a human, which is saying alot."

John's eyes had softened and lost his pout right around the time The Doctor said he'd lost alot of friends in the past. He'd been there, done that, suffered through that scenario. He could tell that The Doctor had been lonely but too stubborn to admit it when they met. He'd felt an instant bond, in a way. He'd felt so alone himself for such a long time before the whirlwind that was The Doctor had barreled across his path and changed everything. And while he might be a pain in the butt sometimes John reallly liked him and had been happier than he'd ever thought it was possible for him to be since he'd started traveling with The Doctor.

But, being a guy and being, well, John, he couldn't say all that.  
He settled for the closest thing he could get out.

"Um, yeah. Thanks."

The Doctor peered at John's face intently and seemed to be able to read everything John hadn't been able to say.  
However, he couldn't just let it slide. Where was the fun in that?

He grinned and replied, "Wow. Three whole words. That's one of your chattier comebacks. Hurt yourself, did you? Would you like to go lie down?"

John grinned back. "Maybe later, Buddy. Right now, you owe me a trip. You said we were going somewhere that would blow my mind. I'm still waiting."

The Doctor beamed. They were good again. He rubbed his hands together briskly.

"Yes, I most definitely said that and I meant it. That's why we're here."

"You still haven't told me where here is," John replied, exasperated.

"California."

John gave him a blank look. "California?"

The Doctor rocked back on his heels. "California, USA. Earth."

John was a bit perplexed and slightly annoyed.  
"California? We have the whole of space and time to go gallivanting through and you bring me to California?"

The Doctor on the other hand seemed to be very pleased with himself.  
"Yes, California. But you didn't ask me when or where in California. Aren't you going to ask me?"

John put his arm around him and squeezed a little bit too hard.  
"Doctor, buddy, quit playing games and tell me what we're doing here before I decide it would be better to put you in a headlock until you spit it out."

Fair enough. The Doctor got the feeling John was only half kidding about that so he decided to quit teasing. Besides, this was going to be good.

"Fine, fine, O Impatient One. We're in California and it's 1968."

"Okay, it's 1968. And?"

"January 13th, 1968 to be exact."

John frowned and paused for a minute. "That sounds really familiar. I know that date. I do, right?"

"I should hope so," replied The Doctor, looking incredibly smug and very proud of himself. "It's in the liner notes of that ridiculous CD you continually force me to sit through during our chess games. Which I suspect is a pathetic attempt on your part to psyche me out. Doesn't work, by the way."

It was almost comical the way John completely froze in his tracks and his eyes widened to the size of saucers. He opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out.

"John? John, breathe. You'll enjoy this more if you're conscious."

John found his voice then although it cracked just a touch while he spoke.  
"Buddy, are you telling me..." He shook his head. Well, he'd gotten most of a sentence out.

"Yes John, it's January 13th, 1968 and right outside that door is Folsom State Prison." He waited a beat. "Also Johnny Cash, preparing to record a live album of his show, which we are going to be late attending if you don't get it in gear."

"We're going to see Johnny Cash perform at Folsom Prison. Right now."

"I said that, yes."

John worked his mouth, dumbstruck. "But I...you...we couldn't... how?"

The Doctor strode over to one side of the room, opened a door, and pulled out two prison guard uniforms. "With these." He tossed one of the uniforms over to John who caught it deftly.

"But, don't we need I.D. or credentials or something? What if they won't let us in?"

The Doctor reached into his coatpocket and pulled out a little booklet and flipped it open, revealing it to be absolutely blank. John gave him a puzzled look.

"Psychic paper. Remember? I told you about this. It'll show them exactly what they need to see. Easy as pie."

"You're kidding me. That stuff is real? I thought you were just pulling my leg. That's really cool!" John's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

Finally, thought The Doctor, John was getting with the program.

"Yes, it's cool, you're cool, I'm fine, but we're both going to be late pretty soon so hurry up. We've got a show to catch." The Doctor made a shooing motion. John turned to go to his room and change but abruptly turned back and stepped back to stand next to The Doctor. John doesn't do the touching thing a whole lot but something inside him made him reach out and awkwardly pat The Doctor's shoulder.

"John?"

"Thank you, Doctor." The Doctor flushed at hearing John use his title with no hint of teasing or derision at all. Another rare occurence. "This means alot to me. Really. So, thanks."

The Doctor cleared his throat. "You're welcome, John."

John nodded back. Then his face slowly bloomed into his normal irreverent smirk. "So, I guess I'd better go get dressed before you get mad and flush me from the bathroom of your heart, huh?"

The Doctor groaned and made a move as if to smack John. "What did I say about lame jokes? Now move your scruffy carcass."

John snapped off a precision military salute, laughed, and practically skipped out to go change.

The Doctor watched him go then lifted his gaze to the ceiling.

"Humans. Honestly. I need to start picking a better class of friends."

fin 


End file.
